


The First Time

by jabbertune



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, First Kiss, Firsts, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Language, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 22:50:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6169846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jabbertune/pseuds/jabbertune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Dan fully realized his feelings for Phil, it was already way too late. </p><p>000</p><p>Dan and Phil's firsts, told in 3rd POV Dan-centered. Mostly centered around Dan's anxiety about telling Phil his feelings. Wrote this about a year ago and decided to finish and post it on a whim. Please R&R!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Time

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing this fic about a year ago and found it while browsing some files on my laptop. i realized i was only like a couple of paragraphs away from finishing it, so i thought i'd finish it and post it. i feel kind of bad about writing it now, since Dan and Phil are real people with real feelings and real lives. real people fics aren't something i'm normally all for, but here i am. anyway, please let me know what you think!! 
> 
> also, if you've never seen Submarine, it's a really good movie!! if you're a fan of the perks of being a wallflower, you'll enjoy that movie. it used to be on netflix, but i'm not sure if it is anymore.

The first time Dan fully realized his feelings for Phil, it was already _way_ too late. 

He had stayed up late one night - as he usually did - editing some of their gaming videos. Dan had paused it for a moment to venture on the internet. Clicking back on the video, Dan did a double take, hesitating to unpause it.

Phil had this wide, goofy grin on his face. His brilliant blue eyes were slightly teary from laughing so hard. Dan sighed, resting his hand in his chin and smiling to himself as he stared at the frame a bit longer. His own face was paused in a laugh as well, although Dan felt it lacked compared to Phil’s. 

_Gosh, it’s hard to not love someone so adorable._

Dan felt his whole body and brain freeze as soon as the thought left his mind. A horrible, retching ache emerged in his stomach, his heart rate increasing way too fast and hurting. The brunette tried to take deep breaths, making the pain in his chest worse. He felt himself start to lean over, putting his head between his knees in his hands. 

_No no no no no no no no what the hell did I just think?!_ Dan was screaming at the top of his lungs in his brain. When the hell had that happened? Falling in love doesn’t just… _happen_ to someone. _He’s my best friend in the whole world,_ Dan thought. _This is not ok this is so not ok I feel like I’m going to die._

At some point during his total emotional breakdown, Dan had melted down to the floor. The brunette curled himself into a ball, staring at the opposite wall for a _very_ long time. It felt like his brain just shut down, allowing him to think all these crazy thoughts without acknowledging them. He couldn’t get his heart rate to go down. 

Long after Dan had calmed down and chose to remain on the floor, Phil came knocking and sounding worried. When it took too long for the brunette to answer Phil inched the door open, softly saying Dan’s name. He cracked the door wider when he didn’t see Dan on his bed. His head snapped down to the floor, seeing Dan crumpled in a ball.

“Dan? Dan, are you ok?!” Phil exclaimed, kneeling down next to his friend. Dan groaned, hiding his face in his hands. 

“Uh-um, yeah… I think… I just don’t feel very good…” Dan tried lamely, attempting to tell part of the truth. He had honestly felt fine until Phil came in - he now felt awkward and unsure of how to interact with his friend. 

“Then why are you on the floor?” Phil asked, trying to hide the laugh in his voice. Dan didn’t find this funny at all. 

“I thought… laying down might help.” Dan mumbled, still too embarrassed with himself to take his hands away from his face. He heard Phil shift around a bit before a soft plop of warmth was dropped on top of him. 

“Well, have a blanket so you don’t catch a cold. Want some tea? It might help…” Phil shrugged. Dan replied with a feeble ‘yes thank you’ before Phil left the room. The brunette curled his comforter around him, cocooning himself completely from his bedroom. 

_What the actual hell is wrong with me?_

000

The first time Dan tried to lie to himself about his newfound feelings, it was the morning after his realization. 

Dan had moved to his bed after Phil brought him some tea. He was still too flustered to look Phil in the eye, so he played the sick card as well as he could with his friend. The older one always knew when he was faking it. 

Phil sat with Dan for a while, telling him he wanted to make sure Dan wasn’t going to be sick. It made Dan feel uneasy about himself and worried his breathing was too loud. He eventually fell asleep to the other man playing his Animal Crossing on his 3ds. 

When Dan finally woke the next morning, he laid in bed for hours. He didn’t touch his phone or computer, just staring at the walls or the underside of his blanket for a long while. Somewhere in his blankness, Dan had convinced himself that he didn’t like his friend that way, that maybe the love he felt was a brotherly love. After a while of telling himself that, Dan finally got up to his desk and woke his computer up. The paused video was still up, Phil’s face blown up on the screen.

Dan sulked back to bed, knowing he was completely and totally _fucked._

000

The first time Dan tried to make even the smallest move, to test the waters, it was months later.

They had been getting ready to watch _Haikyuu_ when Dan saw his chance. Phil was sitting on the couch waiting for him, getting the TV all set up. Dan came into the living room balancing some snack foods and drinks when the idea struck him. He carefully set things down, minus his own drink, as he made his way to sit right next to Phil. 

Well, maybe not right next, but much closer than he usually sat. His friend was so much closer, about six inches away from him. Phil didn’t seem to notice, or if he did he didn’t care. Dan felt his whole face flush as he awkwardly cleared his throat. 

“So, uh, ready to start?” 

About an episode and a half in, Dan was aching to move, his body not comfortable sitting anymore. He wanted to stretch and sink down into the couch but he was too hyper aware of Phil sitting next to him. Phil, on the other hand, was immersed in the world of volleyball anime. 

_God, what am I doing?_ Dan thought, a tinge of panic going through him. Why did he think that just sitting near Phil would do anything? Dan wanted to punch himself in the face. 

“Hey, do you want anything more from the kitchen?” Phil suddenly asked, shifting on the couch to get up. Dan sputtered, shrugging his shoulders. 

“N-no, I’m ok, thanks.” Dan mumbled. Phil stared at him for a second longer before shrugging and getting up. As he left through the door, Dan exhaled a lungful of air he didn’t know he was holding in and sank into the couch. His thoughts wouldn’t calm down, making his brain feel fuzzy in a not so good way. 

“Alright, back to volleyball anime!” Phil exclaimed when he entered the room again with a cup of hot coffee. Dan laughed, knowing that Phil would be up until four A.M drinking coffee this late at night. 

When Phil sat back down, Dan stretched his arms above his head. He brought his arms down, resting one on the back of the couch behind Phil. He willed his heart to stop beating so fast, suddenly worried Phil could hear his panicked breathing. Dan didn’t usually sit at the couch like this - it always hurt his shoulders - but it was worth a shot. Phil appeared to be oblivious, wrapped completely in the world of _Haikyuu._

It might have not been an actual move, but it left Dan’s heart beating uncontrollably for the rest of the night.

000

The first time Dan thought Phil might feel something for him, too, he had a hard time telling if his brain was playing a cruel trick or not.  
It was about a week after the ‘couch incident’ - as Dan called it in his head - when he and Phil decided to go have a day around London. They didn’t do it as often as they should, considering they lived there, but Dan enjoyed himself every time they did go out together. 

They were currently waiting for the bus to go home, starting to feel a bit tired after spending five hours around London. Phil sat on a bench while Dan stood next to him, feeling too jittery to sit. He replayed the whole day in his head, enjoying every moment he got to spend with Phil outside of their normal routine. The thought of having a ‘normal routine’ with Phil made Dan’s heart thump. 

“You know, we got a lot of cool stuff today!” Phil suddenly exclaimed, chuckling to himself. The brunette couldn’t help but smile. 

“Yeah, maybe too many cool things…” Dan trailed, thinking about all the clothes he probably shouldn’t have bought. He knew he shouldn’t feel guilty about buying them, being able to afford it and all, but he couldn’t help it. His mind kept going to things he could have spent that money on, like food and upcoming bills. Phil laughed again.

“No such thing! I mean, it all looked good on you so why not buy it?” Phil excitedly said, turning to look up at Dan. Dan snorted, looking down at his friend. His whole body paused when his brain caught up with Phil’s words. He felt his whole face flush, his ears burning. His eyes flickered to the ground, too nervous to look at Phil’s blue eyes. Swallowing down his nerves, the brunette cleared the lump from his throat.

“Y-you really think so…?” Dan trailed. He dared to look back. Phil’s face was flushed more than Dan had ever seen, the older man fidgeting and absolutely refusing to look at Dan. Phil appeared to be having a hard time finding the right words to say, his mouth making awkward sputtering noises as he fought himself. 

“Y-yeah, I mean-” 

Before Phil could finish his sentence, the bus rolled up, exhaling loudly as the doors opened. Phil seemed to forget what he was saying instantly, grabbing their shopping bags and motioning for Dan to get on the bus. The brunette forgot how to move for a moment, his mind reeling and trying to grasp what had just happened. 

Phil thought he looked good. Dan thought he might just cry.

000

The first time Dan held Phil’s hand, he wished it had happened under different circumstances. 

Dan had come back to their flat after running around doing errands all day to absolutely no lights on. He thought it was strange, knowing that Phil _should_ be home, trying to not freak himself out thinking about demons jumping from behind every door. 

“Phil, are you home?!” Dan shouted as he finished putting the groceries away. When he got no response, his panic spiked. What if Phil took a bath and fell asleep and actually drowned this time? Or what if someone broke in and kidnapped his friend? What if Phil had gone to get the mail and ran into a serial killer? All these thoughts had Dan in a frenzy, running to the bathroom first to make sure his friend wasn’t dead. After finding an empty bathroom, he moved to the living room.

Cracking the door open, Dan saw the TV flickering. He recognized the movie _Submarine_ on the screen, the sound muted. He slowly moved his eyes to the couch, seeing Phil sitting right in the middle. He was holding one of his old iPods, one that Dan had thought got lost or destroyed over the years. Dan chanced to open the door wider, creaking as he did so. Phil didn’t even flinch. 

“Phil…?” Dan said in a cautious voice. Phil didn’t look at his friend, but he wiped at his eyes. 

“Hey.” Phil replied in a cracked voice. Dan entered the room, closing the door behind him and tip toeing towards the couch. 

“What… Are you ok?” Dan asked, changing his mind on his sentence halfway through. He felt like that was a dumb question though, seeing as Phil was very _not_ ok considering the strange scene he found his friend in. Dan wished the dark humor of the movie playing behind him would stop creating a weird feeling in him. 

“Yeah, I just… I realized it was the anniversary… of my friend’s death…” Phil slowly replied, visibly trying to not to start crying again. Dan sat down next to the raven haired man, suddenly feeling like anything and everything he could say would be completely useless. He glanced down at the iPod in Phil’s hand, seeing a very old camera roll of Phil from college with his friends. Dan’s heart sank. 

“O-oh… Phil, I’m-I’m sorry…” Dan lamely said, feeling useless. Phil let out a small sigh, wiping a stray tear from his face.

“It’s… it’s not ok, but it has to be. I haven’t even thought about them in a long time, everything’s been so crazy, you know? After he died I just realized… I had been wasting my life, letting opportunities pass me by. I didn’t want to be like that. Now look at me!” Phil laughed. It didn’t sound genuine and Dan didn’t like it, but he kept quiet and let Phil continue.

“I’ve done so many things I never even dreamed of doing! And it’s been amazing and scary but wonderful at the same time. I mean, we have our own radio show and get to travel the world and meet so many cool people all the time… I just started to wish he was here to see all these things…” Phil trailed, the sudden burst of happiness leaving him as quickly as it came. Dan twisted his hands in his lap, searching for the right words to say but not finding them. 

“Phil, I’m sure if there’s an afterlife, he’s watching you and rooting for you all the way. Not just him, we all are.” Dan softly said. Phil smiled awkwardly, a couple more tears falling as he nodded. 

Nervous, shaking hands reached out for Dan, grasping one of his own fidgeting ones tightly. Dan’s instinct was to pull his hand away but forced himself not to. He held onto Phil for dear life, like the only thing keeping them both alive was their connected hands. He stared at their laced fingers, feeling Phil’s hand shaking in his own. His eyes flickered up to his friend. 

Phil’s brilliant blue eyes were fixated on Dan, a deep red blush painting his face. The brunette took note of his friends glossy eyes, but no tears had fallen again. The urge to lean forward and kiss Phil crossed Dan’s mind, but knew right now would really _not_ be the best time. His heart rate increased ten fold as he again searched for the right words.

“You know… I also wouldn’t have done a lot of those things without you, Dan…” Phil murmured, finally looking away from the other. Dan felt like he was hyperventilating. 

“I… Same. Same here, Phil.” Dan quietly replied, squeezing Phil’s trembling hand. He saw a couple more tears fall down Phil’s cheeks, but was met with a smile rather than quivering lips. 

They sat like that for a long time, just enjoying each others company. Once the movie ended Dan turned the sound back on, changing it to the last episode of _Haikyuu_ they had been watching. Phil didn’t let go of his hand, even after the elder had laid his head back on the couch and fell asleep. Dan held his hand tight, hoping to help guide Phil through whatever dream he was having.

Dan felt like his heart was beating like a pillow fight, feathers flying everywhere.

000

The first time Dan woke up from a wet dream involving his best friend, he honestly hoped the world would swallow him whole. 

He laid in bed for a very long time, staring at the ceiling and contemplating what his life had become. The inside of his pajama pants were uncomfortably sticky and hot. Dan wanted to get up and change, but that would require actually acknowledging what had happened; he wasn’t ready for that.

Dan tried so hard to not replay the dream in his head. Ever since his feelings came to light about five months ago he tried his best to not think about Phil in a sexual way _ever_ , knowing it would just cause him more grief. Apparently his subconscious didn’t agree with that. 

Of course Dan had had dreams with Phil in them before. Usually they involved them going on adventures together - occasionally Dan saving Phil from some sort of monster or vice versa - or Phil giving him odd advice for whatever dream situation they were in. Dan was actually surprised at himself, having gone this long without having a wet dream involving the other. He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face and through his hair. 

Dan wanted nothing more than to tell Phil about his feelings. He knew that if the other didn’t feel the same way, it wouldn’t affect their friendship much - or at least he hoped. The crippling fear of rejection always held him back and for good reasons. What if Phil turned him down and wanted to move out? Or stop doing videos with him?

What if Phil didn’t want anything to do with him? 

Dan groaned as he threw his blankets off him, chucking his shorts off and tossing them to the other side of the room. He’d deal with them in the morning. He glanced at his alarm clock, seeing that it was only four in the morning. Somehow Dan had managed to go to bed somewhat early, but now he wished he’d stayed up all night. 

He wasn’t sure how much longer he could handle this.

000

The first time Dan made a real move on Phil, it was also the first time he felt that Phil may feel something, too.

Phil had suggested they invite some friends over, considering they didn’t do that very often. Dan happily obliged, looking forward to seeing some friends he hadn’t in awhile. As much as he loved spending time with Phil, it would be nice to interact with other human beings. 

Friends from YouTube and not came, just a small crowd sitting around their living room. They talked and laughed and had quite a few drinks, enjoying each others company. At some point, Dan realized Phil wasn’t glued to him. He glanced around the room, searching for the older man but didn’t see him.

“Whatcha looking for, Dan?” Louise chimed in his ear. He turned towards her, awkwardly sputtering as he searched for words. 

“I-uh… I realized Phil wasn’t here…” 

“Oh! I think he went to get another drink.” Louise slurred a bit, giggling as she patted Dan on the arm. He nodded and smiled, glancing around one more time. Louise gave Dan one of her knowing looks as she held back another laugh.

“Are you worried or something?” Louise asked in a low voice. Dan awkwardly cleared his throat, refusing to look her in the eye. 

“N-no, I just… I just realized he wasn’t here, that’s all.” Dan lamely repeated himself. Louise took another long swig of her drink. 

“Well, it’s not like you guys are attached at the hip or anything. I mean-” Louise went on to ramble, but Dan was completely deaf to whatever she was saying as Phil entered the room again, carrying drinks in his arms and hands. 

Dan was just constantly amazed that, no matter what the situation was, Phil always looked good. Even on days where Phil has just woken up, crazy bed head and stained pajamas and all, Dan thought Phil always looked good. Attractive, adorable, even sexy at times - although Dan wasn’t sure if he could admit the last part, even to himself. 

“Dan! Are you even listening to me?!” Louise exclaimed. Dan snapped himself out of his thoughts, trying to turn his attention back to his friend. He could feel Phil’s eyes on him now. He noticed Phil move away from PJ out of the corner of his eye towards the two of them. 

“Aw, Dan, are you ignoring our lovely Louise?” Phil laughed as he approached them. Dan felt his face go pink. 

“Yes! He’s either been looking for you or looking at you all night” Louise slurred. Dan had never wanted to punch Louise so badly before now. Phil’s eyebrows raised a bit. 

“Yeah?” Phil said with a small laugh. Dan thought his face was going to explode from the amount of heat rising to his cheeks. He felt his heart stop for a second - Phil didn’t seem turned off by the idea, but rather curious. Dan tried to force the butterflies in his stomach to calm down for a moment, the alcohol in his brain deciding to take a chance.

“Uh, yeah… you just-uh… you look good tonight.” Dan said through clenched teeth, forcing himself to look at Phil as he finished. Instead of being met with complete disgust, as Dan feared, he was met with a bright blush and smile. 

“You think so?” Phil questioned, nervously scratching the back of his head. Dan could feel Louise staring at them but he chose to not care for a moment. 

“Yeah… I do.” Dan replied, trying to add a little more confidence to his voice. Phil chuckled, covering his mouth as he did. 

“Well, that’s good ‘cause I uh… I think you look good tonight, too.” Phil replied in a soft voice, keeping his eyes locked with Dan’s. He hoped to god it wasn’t just the alcohol talking on Phil’s part. They kept their eyes locked for a moment, Dan feeling his blush dying down but Phil’s still very apparent on his own cheeks. After another moment PJ called Phil back over. He excused himself, his eyes lingering on Dan before turning away. 

Dan knew he’d have some questions from Louise, whether it be later that night or texts in the morning, but the brunette couldn’t bring himself to care at the moment. He was having a hard time getting his breathing and heart under control. 

He was way above cloud nine for the rest of the night. 

000

The first time Dan admitted his feelings to another human being, it was the very next day after their little party. Not surprisingly, it was to Louise. 

He had woken up late and groggy to several texts from the woman, a few drunken ones from the night before and a handful from that morning. Dan rubbed his face as he glanced at the clock on his phone, not wanting to accept how close to noon it was. 

Struggling to keep himself upright, Dan stumbled out of his bed, making his way across his room and to the bathroom down the hall. He could feel his hangover pressing against the inside of his skull. He flicked the lights on, groaning and shielding his eyes from the light for a second. He glanced up at the mirror, doing a double take when he realized Phil’s chicken scratch handwriting was there. Dan saw the black whiteboard marker on the counter, scoffing to himself. He turned his attention back to the message. 

_‘Went to take PJ to the train!! Didn’t want to wake you, might grab some lunch while out. Text me if you want anything!!’_

Dan couldn’t help but chuckle, blushing as he thought about Phil thinking about him. He decided to leave the message on the mirror, even after finishing his business. Normally he erased them right away, leaving room for Phil to write more. Before he could think about it much more, he heard and felt his phone ringing in his pocket. Assuming it was Phil, Dan answered it.

“Did you get lost or kidnapped going to the train?” Dan asked in his usual snarky voice. He heard a laugh on the other end that was certainly not Phil. 

“Thankfully not, I haven’t left the house yet today.” Louise replied with another laugh. Dan rolled his eyes, even though she couldn’t see him. 

“Sorry, sorry, I thought you were Phil. What’s up, Louise?” Dan said, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice that it wasn’t Phil. He had made his way back to his bedroom, plopping himself back onto his bed. He heard Louise chuckle.

“That’s actually why I was calling… yanno, Phil and all.” She replied, a slight song in her voice. Dan knew that tone and he knew he wouldn’t be able to get out of this one. Still, he groaned and felt like he should disappear into the bottom of the earth. 

“Is this about last night…?” 

“Yes! You two were gawking at each other all night! Did I miss something?” Louise tried to hide the excitement in her voice but Dan saw right through it. A surge of panic went straight to his heart. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk about this.

“No… no, you didn’t miss anything, I swear.” Dan replied, trying to keep his voice even. The intense need to cry suddenly took over him, a reaction he wasn’t expecting from this conversation. 

“Daniel Howell! I know you’re lying to me!” Louise exclaimed. Dan pulled the phone away from his ear for a second. Why did he think lying to her would work? They had been friends for a good while now, but it still always amazed Dan how perceptive she could be at times. Dan groaned, bringing the phone back to his ear. 

“Louise, I’m… I don’t think I’m ready to talk about this…” Dan feebly admitted. 

“So there _is_ something I missed!” Louise exclaimed. Dan felt like the entire world was ending. 

“Ok, so I’m going to hang up now, glad we had this conversation.” Dan flatly replied.

“No, please don’t! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Have you talked to him about this yet?” 

“No… I’ve had a hard time even admitting this to myself…” Dan mumbled, remembering the first night he discovered these weird feelings. He heard the woman sigh on the other end. 

“Wait, does anyone else know?” Dan could feel the panic in her voice. He wished he could shove this entire conversation out of existence. 

“No… you’re literally the only person that knows…” Dan trailed. He could picture Louise sitting in her bedroom, trying to absorb all of this information. He wished for a second he could see the expressions she was most likely making. 

“Well Dan, for the record - and I’m honestly not just saying this - I think you should tell him. As someone who’s been observing you two, I don’t think you’ll be met with total rejection.” Louise chimed. Dan furrowed his eyebrows. 

“What do you mean observing?” 

“Uh-um, nothing! I gotta go, but I’ll text you later, alright?” Louise chimed. Dan could hear the nervous lie in her voice but found it funny rather than being bothered by it. 

“Alright, alright, bye Louise.” Dan laughed as he hung up. He let himself sink back into his bed, comfort overtaking him. He thought back to what Louise had said, praying to whatever gods there are that she wasn’t lying. He knew Louise wouldn’t lie to him about something like that, but insecurity kept him from accepting that. 

It felt like an immense weight had been lifted off his shoulders, despite his reluctance. 

000

The first time Phil made a blatant move on Dan, he was too scared shitless to do anything about it really.

Louise had invited the two of them over to watch some Japanese horror films. Phil had excitedly agreed, making Dan wish his friend hadn't of gotten too excited about it. Dan’s irrational fear of demons and the supernatural kept him from watching many Japanese horror flicks, seeing as that’s what most revolved around. After some pleading from the older man, Dan reluctantly agreed. 

They watched a couple after arriving at Louise’s place, although Dan couldn’t say exactly what the plots were. Combined with hiding his face behind his hands and being distracted by Phil sitting next to him, he missed too much to really catch on. When the second film had finished, Phil commented on how late it was getting. Dan shot up from the couch, agreeing and already saying goodbye to their friend. 

Louise patted him on the arm before he left, giving Dan a knowing look. He translated it as ‘message me on Skype later’ and planned to do so. That is, if the demons in his closet didn’t eat him first. 

The cab ride back to their flat felt like an eternity to Dan. He just wanted to be home, where it would be safer than wandering the streets of London at night. He couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing around, his hands fidgeting in his lap. He tried to keep his mind off whatever crazy thoughts were creeping in, but he couldn’t. 

“Dan?” Phil’s voice rang. He looked over at his friend, trying very hard to not make eye contact, knowing that Phil would read him way too easily. He forced his leg to stop bouncing around.

“Y-yeah?” Dan’s voice cracked. His face flushed.

“Are you ok?” Phil questioned, even though he should know that Dan was not ok. His dumb irrational fear was getting the better of him with each passing minute. 

“Yeah, sure… no. Those movies terrified me.” Dan admitted, feeling it would be easier to just tell Phil the truth. Dan could feel the smirk on Phil’s face as the other tried to hide it.

“Aw, I’m sorry Dan. No more Japanese horror films, alright?” Phil tried to comfort his friend. Dan’s imagination kept going wild, terrified if he looked out the cab window a ghost would be ready to attack. He continued to fidget in his seat, trying his best to ignore Phil for the moment.

“Hey Dan, it’s ok. I’m sorry I dragged you to that…” Phil trailed. Dan finally chanced to look at his friend. Phil looked worried, his eyebrows furrowed upwards in a way that Dan found adorable. He was glad his irrational fears were in control of his body at the moment. 

“It’s ok, I’ll be ok.” Dan replied in a shaky voice, cursing at himself. He tore his gaze from the other, gluing his eyes to the floor. He heard Phil let out a soft sigh as he heard the elder shift in his seat a bit. 

Before Dan could really process what was going on, he felt Phil reach over and grabbed one of his shaking hands. Phil squeezed Dan’s hand, his shaking stopping for a second. The brunette chanced to look at his friend. Phil had a soft smile on his face, his eyes piercing through the other. Dan felt his heart rate increase ten fold, feeling that he may have a heart attack. 

“Hey, I’ll protect you from all the demons, alright?” Phil said in a quiet, half-joking tone. He squeezed Dan’s hand again, rubbing his thumb along his hand. Dan made an incoherent noise as he searched for the right words to say, but couldn’t find them. He chose to not say anything in return, instead forcing himself to stare at their entwined hands. 

They held hands the entire way home, Dan believing for a moment Phil really could protect him from his demons.

000

The first time Dan had actual _real_ proof that Phil fancied him, he wished he had found out in a much different way. 

Dan had stepped out that morning to run errands again, hating that he had to. Not long after the brunette had left, he realized he had forgotten his wallet at home. Cursing to himself, he turned to make the fifteen minute walk back to his flat, wishing he had checked before leaving. 

Throwing the flat door open, Dan could hear the shower down the hall running. Silently glad Phil was in the shower and not here to tease him about his wallet, Dan made his way to his bedroom. He grabbed his wallet, turning in his heel to head back out. As he passed the bathroom door again, he heard a low moan come from behind the door. 

Dan stopped dead in his tracks outside the door, screaming at his body to _keep moving goddamn oh god please move_ but finding himself unable to. He felt that he really should not be listening to Phil having… private time in the shower. As much as he screamed at himself to move, Dan’s feet refused to. 

_“Dan.”_ The brunette heard Phil moan from behind the door, followed by yet another moan. His heart rate increased by tenfold, his whole body feeling hot and prickly. Before he could allow himself to process what had just happened, Dan forced himself to finally move. He just about ran out of their flat, quietly closing the front door behind him. 

He had somehow made it out to the street without stumbling too much. Dan tried his best to make his mind go blank but he couldn’t. Phil’s voice played over and over again in his mind, torturing him. When Dan finally became aware of his surroundings, he realized he had gone the opposite direction he had meant to. Eyeing a bench out of the way a bit, Dan made his way to sit down and contemplate his short life. 

Dan sat down, immediately putting his head between his knees in his hands. He couldn’t stop his mind from replaying Phil’s voice over and over again. When he finally was able to calm his heart down, Dan leaned back against the bench and tried to think logically about all this. 

_Phil said your name_ Dan thought. He knew he shouldn’t have, but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling a little, feeling like a complete pervert doing so. Dan didn’t allow his mind to actually think about Phil in the shower, just his voice and his own name being said. 

_Alright, so this could mean that he feels something towards me or… I dunno had an odd moment in the shower?_ Dan questioned, his anxiety and insecurities grabbing at his thoughts. He thought about calling Louise for a moment but decided against it. This situation was a little too… personal to share with others. 

When Dan finally looked at his phone to check the time, he saw that he had been sitting there for nearly an hour. Phil was most likely wondering where he was, since all he had planned to do was stop by the bank and the grocery store. Dan sighed heavily, running his hands all over his face and through his hair. He thought he wasn’t sure how to interact with his friend before - now it felt damn impossible. 

Dan leaned his head back against the bench, shoving Phil’s voice out of his head for the hundredth time. 

000

The first time Dan and Phil kissed, the brunette had wish it could have happened very differently - mostly less embarrassingly. 

Only a couple of days had gone by after Dan had accidentally heard Phil in the shower. Armed with the knowledge that he may have a chance, Dan had begun to form a plan. In a perfect world, he would just walk right up to Phil and kiss him, confessing his months, possibly even years, of hidden feelings. Unfortunately, Dan found himself to be way too awkward to do that. He had written scripts of what he wanted to say but was unsure if he actually could - the fear of Phil overhearing him had kept Dan from practicing. 

Earlier that morning, Phil had stepped out to do errands of his own, letting Dan know he planned to be gone for a few hours before leaving. Seizing his chance, Dan prepared everything shortly after Phil left. Shifting awkwardly on his bed, the brunette tried his best to make eye contact with his camera but found himself unable to. 

_If I just… pretend like I’m making a video, I can do this. It’ll be ok._ Dan cleared his throat, glancing back down at the paper in his lap. He read it three times over in his head, worried about how it sounded. Shoving those thoughts aside, he forced himself to look up at the camera. 

“Phil… so Phil, we’ve known each other what feels like our entire lives, or at least to me it does.” Dan said with a chuckle, his mind grazing over fond memories of Phil. Dan shook his head after a moment, realizing he became distracted. 

“Anyway, you’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for… to ever hope for… which is why this is so hard because I never want to lose you ever. You’re so important to me and I care about you so much it’s ridiculous. You know how to make me laugh and cringe and I’ve never known anyone else that could do both at the same time.” Dan laughed, remembering many of the videos him and Phil had made together. He found confidence in himself as he read on, his voice becoming louder and more sure. 

“You’ve brought such a nice light to my life and I feel at home with you. You are my home. We’ve done so many amazing things together - things I know I would have never done without you. Phil… you’re honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I… I love you. I love you, you big dork!” Dan exclaimed, feeling certain and right with his words. The brunette grinned to himself, a weight being lifted off of his shoulders just by saying those three words out loud. He felt he could take on anything. 

“Do you really?”

Dan felt his whole world come crashing down around him, the color draining right out of his face. He was glad he hadn’t eaten that morning because he would have thrown up right then if he had. Terror shot through him, the strong want to die overtaking him. Forcing himself to turn around, his eyes met with Phil standing in his doorway. How had the brunette not heard his door open?

“Phil, oh my god-!” 

“Do you really?” Phil repeated a little louder. He took a step towards the bed, hands clenched at his sides. Dan wished the world would swallow him whole. 

“Phil, oh my god, Phil will you please - will you just-” Dan choked, tears brimming and panic pooling. He shot up from his bed, ready to bolt if needed. Phil took another shaky step towards his friend. Dan squeezed his eyes shut, forcing the tears back and hoping he’d wake up from whatever hell he stepped into. He shoved his hands into his face, trying to block out this horrendously embarrassing scenario. 

“Dan… Dan, will you look at me?” Phil quietly asked. Dan clenched his hands tighter against his face, afraid that he may start screaming at any second. He felt Phil gently touch his wrist, a soft but loud plea to remove his hands. Dan wanted to do anything but face reality right now. He wished he could go back in time and punch himself in the face for even thinking that writing that letter was a good idea, let alone reading it outloud. He struggled to find words, gagging on his own saliva and tongue. 

“Seriously, Dan, please don’t die before I can properly respond.” Phil softly chuckled. Dan took in several deep breaths, calming his heart rate down to somewhat normal before pulling his hands away. He couldn’t even pretend to look at his friend, instead choosing to glue his eyes to the corner of his bed. A handful of tears had managed to fall, increasing the brunettes humiliation. 

“Dan… please respond in some way. Did you really mean it?” Phil questioned again. Although his voice sounded calm, Dan could tell he was anything but. Phil’s eyebrows were furrowed in worry, the hint of a smile left as he chewed on his lips. Phil’s hands were still lightly glued to Dan’s wrists, trembling as he waited for a response. Dan fought back tears, his heart racing a million miles a minute. He desperately tried to force words, or a noise at least, but anxiety silenced him. 

“Phil… I-” The brunette choked. His heart was racing too fast to finish his sentence. Phil shuffled his feet a bit, bringing his face dangerously close to Dan’s. Dan tried his best to look anywhere but Phil’s eyes. After an awkward ten seconds of glancing around Dan settled on closing his eyes. He fought the urge to squeeze them as tight as he could. He felt Phil’s hands move from his wrists to his own hands, the elder giving a light squeeze. 

“Dan… you mean the whole world to me. You are the only person I’ve ever met who can somehow put up with all the crazy things I do. You somehow put up with _me._ We’ve been there for each other at some pretty low points… I wouldn’t be who I am today without you in my life. I don’t even want to think about how my life would be without you here, probably really sad and lonely. Now… do you really love me?” Phil said in what sounded like one breath. Dan forced his eyes open, engulfed by Phil’s brilliant blue ones. He could feel how nervous the elder one was by how hard his hands were trembling. Dan tried his best to steady his breathing, afraid he would start hyperventilating. 

“Yes…” Dan forced out, breathless and terrified. Phil’s face broke out into that contagious smile of his, eyes twinkling and hands tightening around Dan’s. The brunette felt himself smile as well. 

“Well that’s good because I really love you, too.” 

Dan’s heart rate increased, his panic melting into euphoria. Had Phil really just said that? Were his ears playing a cruel trick on him? Was his anxiety taking over his brain. The horrible mixture of panic and joy was starting to make Dan’s head spin and his stomach sick. He scoffed followed by a chuckle, taking half a step back away from Phil.

“Say it again.” He heard himself say. Phil barked out a laugh. He reached out towards his friend, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist and pulling him in close. Dan let him, somehow amazed at how natural it felt to be like this with Phil. It was everything he’s wanted for what felt like forever now, but his brain still couldn’t process it properly. 

“I love you. _You’re_ the big dork.” Phil laughed. Dan gave him a fake pout, nervously placing a hand on Phil’s shoulder and the other on his hip. He played with the wrinkles on the elders shirt, his mind reeling to find the right words to say. Dan let a few more giggles escape him, the panic completely seeping out of his heart. 

“Yeah, a dork that’s head over heels in love with you.” 

Before Phil could get a chance to respond, Dan leaned in and closed the gap between them, pressing their lips together in the most movie-perfect kiss Dan could ever hope for. There was a bit of fumbling as Phil adjusted his head a bit, teeth clashing behind closed lips. Dan smiled and let out a short laugh, feeling Phil smile against him. Dan pressed himself into Phil, grabbing at his friend, desperate to convey how happy he was. Phil nibbled at the brunettes lips a bit, his hands moving from Dan’s hips up to cup his face. 

Dan feared for a second how this would impact their YouTube careers, how fangirl-ish all of the... well, fangirls would react. How their friends and family would take Dan dating not only his best friend, but his very _male_ best friend. How happy Louise would be whenever Dan got the chance to text her later on. How their living situation would be totally fucked, along with their careers, if the two of them ever broke up. How happy the two of them could be for the rest of their lives if they never did break up. Dan thought about how happy he was right now, in this moment, being able to hold and kiss the person he loves so very much. He felt Phil press harder into the kiss, parting his mouth just a slight. Dan's smile increased tenfold, his worries washing away. 

They were two smiling, kissing dorks and Dan wouldn’t have it any other way.


End file.
